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swiftraxHawaii Five-0 - Halfway Home - Part 1
Rated PG
Steve McGarrett / Danny Williams
Mentions of prescription drug use/reliance, mental health issues
Post-Series Fix It (eventually)
Danny's life starts to go downhill with Steve's departure, made worse by the fact that Steve has dropped out of communication almost entirely. When a report comes in of an incident of vigilantism in Maine by a man matching Steve's description, Danny embarks on a journey to find his missing friend.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
“Son of a bitch!”
Genuinely, Danny tries not to sweat the small stuff. It goes against his very nature, but he is trying. He’s self-aware enough to acknowledge that without Steve around to listen to his usual griping, it’s sucked the fun out of it, and it’s getting harder to pretend that he doesn’t really mean it when he complains about how much he hates his life.
He’s seen the looks that his teammates share behind his back (they think they’re being subtle but he’s not an idiot), and he knows that it’s only a matter of time before one of them gets volunteered to ask if he’s ok.
Tani gets this pinched look on her face sometimes, like she wants to talk about his feelings, and Danny is very much not dealing with that right now. The constant stream of coffees and malasada bags are a sweet gesture, but not even full caffeination and sky-high blood glucose can make the days pass any easier.
Danny is tired. Which is why tripping on the corner of the smart table and having to catch himself in a way that twinges his chest is just officially too much for him to deal with today.
Adam steadies him with a worried smile, and Danny is probably being an asshole when he shrugs him off, but Adam is kind enough not to call him on it. The zen way Adam stands there as if Danny isn’t liable to explode at any minute really pisses him off.
He hates being coddled. Steve would have insulted him for being clumsy, and Danny would have been within his rights to give him hell right back. Now, all that happens is a sympathetic grunt from Lou, and an embarrassing wave of maternal smothering from the other side of the table where Tani and Quinn are standing.
“You know what, looks like you kids have this one under control,” Danny says, as the weight of their worried expressions make the room shrink in on him. “I’ve got to follow up on a thing. I’ll be out today.”
He waves behind him and pushes through the glass doors in a hurry, praying that no one comes after him.
The Camaro carries him out onto the highway. The morning sun is blazing hot, but in the distance he can see a familiar hill and an old rock wall that looks out over the ocean.
The breeze is strong up on the lookout, and Danny takes a moment to be grateful he’d decided to shave his head. Not that he’s going to give Steve any credit for the idea, but lately he hasn’t had the patience for styling his hair, and the drugs make getting out of bed a challenge at the best of times. He’s just happy to have an extra thirty minutes of his morning back to sleep in.
The others had been shocked at first—apparently it’s fine when Steve does his own home hairdressing, but when Danny does, it’s a cause for concern. He’d been outraged at the double standard for all of ten minutes before Kamekona had appeared and given him a delighted bear-hug, telling him how much better it suited him than it did McGarrett.
Danny had texted Steve to rub it in, and had received a :( emoji back almost instantly.
Kamekona is back on his shit list now though. He’d been involving Danny in the restaurant again, asking his opinion on new menu items and taking him to wine tastings and farmers markets all over the island.
Danny was touched that he would value his opinion so highly, only to discover it was all a ruse—as per usual, Kame collapsed under interrogation, confessing he was just trying to help take Danny’s mind off things.
He’s been eating lunch at Flippa’s truck ever since.
Is this how Steve felt during his ill-fated intervention? Is this what it’s like to slowly lose the last shreds of sanity? When did everything become so mundane and joyless? Danny has no answers. But he suspects that it has something to do with the Navy SEAL shaped hole in his life that’s been getting bigger with each passing day.
For a brief second he’s struck by the thought that he probably owes Steve an apology. But it’s only momentary, and he reminds himself exactly who caused this situation in the first place.
Steve has been gone for nearly a year. Every now and then Danny checks his calendar to make sure he hasn’t hallucinated the last twelve months of his life, because the pain is still fresh.
Danny has finished his rehab and is supposed to be back to capacity, and yet from the moment he wakes up until he passes out at night on painkillers, there’s an ache in his chest that just won’t let up.
Nerve damage is the vague and unhelpful diagnosis he’s given. It’s not like it’s a broken heart or anything. Danny’s had his heart broken enough times to know that this feels different.
And yes, while he can never be mad at his little girl, he was not impressed when Grace gave him her assessment of the situation. All those romantic comedies she’s watched have clearly rotted her brain. Being called out by his own flesh and blood about his co-dependency issues was a brutal parenting moment, one which he is not keen to repeat. He’s wishing he’d paid a little closer attention to her course selection, but there’s nothing he can do about the fact that she’s aceing Psychology 101.
Danny checks his phone, but thus far no one on the team has sent him anything. He’s not expecting much, and they’re all probably busy chasing criminals across rooftops in downtown Oahu. The last message he sent Steve (a video of Junior and Cole dressed for an undercover op at the local ladies night, with Tani teaching them some dance moves from Magic Mike) is still showing as unseen, and Danny tries not to wonder about what exciting thing he’s doing that’s keeping him from reading it.
Sharing little pieces of home is the only way Danny can think of to keep Steve from breaking the tether completely. He’s been gone a long time, and long distance relationships are hard under the best circumstances. Steve’s tendency to drop off the grid for days and weeks at a time has been getting worse.
Danny tells himself not to worry, that he’s just being selfish wanting to keep some of Steve’s time. Steve deserves to find a bit of that peace he so desperately needs, and if that search takes him away from Danny, well then how can he begrudge his friend the freedom. And yet he can’t stop himself from tapping out a message designed to bait Steve into replying.
The return text is quick, and while he’s hesitant to read too much into it, Steve’s message definitely seems irritated:
//MY liver is fine. Stop nagging me about it. Tell Junior his moves haven’t improved since the last time I saw him dance. //
Danny wants to make a joke that makes inappropriate insinuations about Steve’s experience with Junior’s stripper moves, but he curbs the impulse.
This bitter streak of resentment he’s been cultivating is taking a toll. His jokes all seem to land flat, with edges a little sharper than Steve can convincingly brush off.
He sits on the ledge of rock until he feels his skin starting to burn in the bright sun. It’s hard to believe that in a place so beautiful, he can feel so wretched. The soft swooshing sound of the waves, and the excited chatter of tourists just leaves him feeling bleak, and a bit hopeless. It’s another five hours before he can pick Charlie up from school, but he’s sorely tempted to bust him out now and for the two of them to go on the lam for the day.
Charlie needs him at his best, though, and right now he isn’t going to be good company. Danny heads home, knowing at least Eddie will appreciate the surprise. Some intensive dog therapy might be just what he needs to feel better.
Rachel calls him just as he’s about to head out and pick Charlie up, offering if Charlie (and by extension Danny) would like to join them for a Friday night movie at the swim-in theater. She’s been surprisingly pleasant about things lately, which Danny puts down to the positive influence of Mickey, her new husband.
The guy is practically a saint for agreeing to move to Oahu so they can be closer to Charlie, and Danny can’t even find it in the depths of his lizard brain to be jealous because Mickey is a straight-up nice guy. He’d taken Danny out for beers when he and Rachel had been dating a while and honest to god asked for Danny’s blessing to marry her. Which Danny had been only too happy to provide.
Even though his own dating life has been at a standstill, he’s pleased she’s finally found her soulmate. Mickey is English, works at the same firm as Rachel, and most importantly, doesn’t drive a fancy European car. The two of them are like two peas in a pod, and it’s with stark clarity Danny can finally see why he and Rachel never worked out. They never fit together the way she and Mickey do.
She greets him with a familial hug, before relieving Danny of Charlie’s backpack and towel herding Charlie towards the big screen. Mickey slings a companionable arm over his shoulders and steers him towards the bar.
“Rach said you’ve been back at work?” Mickey asks, propping himself up on a barstool and flagging down the attendant. “Two beers, thanks guv,” he says, chucking cash down on the bar without any argument. Danny is suddenly and viscerally reminded of the fact that he’s not in Kansas anymore and Steve isn’t here to expect him to pay for the round.
“Yeah... I’ve been doing a bit of consulting,” Danny says neutrally. Mickey may be a great guy, but he will report back to Rachel with any and all intelligence so Danny isn’t inclined to say much. But he can tell if Mickey is buying that he’ll get Danny drunk and wheedle the truth out of him eventually.
“That’s great, mate. Glad to hear it. We’ve been worried about you getting bored without all that excitement in your life.”
“Excitement!? Hah. And since when has Rachel been so keen on me being a cop?”
“Well, that was more me than her I suppose. Just seems to me that the job is a big part of your life. I know I’d go completely bonkers if I had to retire at our age.”
“Yeah well, the job’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Especially now that…” Danny stops himself. There’s a gameshow on the TV above the bar, and he stares intently at it and tries to ignore the way Mickey’s waiting for him to continue.
Mickey lets him take a swig of his beer, but doesn’t let him off the hook. “How’s Steve?”
Damn him, Danny thinks. Damn his stupid English face.
“He’s fine. He texted today.”
“That’s good—no word on when he’ll be back then?” Mickey says.
“No. No word. I’m beginning to think he’s not coming back.” Danny chokes up a bit, but Mickey just pats him on the shoulder and pushes a bowl of pretzels in front of him.
“None of that now.” Mickey scolds him in such a posh way that Danny doesn’t even think to be mad about it. “He’ll be back. I bet you’ll be ditching me for a better drinking buddy in no time.”
“Why would I do that? You always pay the tab. I’d be an idiot to take Steve over you.”
“Well, clearly he and I need to have words about how he treats his friends.”
“I would pay to see that. British Architect versus American Navy SEAL. Sorry babe, but you wouldn’t stand a chance.” Danny laughs. “But thanks for the moral support. Steve’s pretty set in his ways. I’ve done my best, but some things you just have to let go.”
“Men... can’t live with them, can’t live without them,” Rachel startles him as she plucks Mickey’s beer out of his hand and commandeers it.
“Oi, I resemble that remark, and get your own.” Mickey swipes his beer back and Danny can’t help the stab of melancholy that hits him watching the two of them together. There’s no jealousy, only a bit of envy that Danny tries to ignore.
“Charlie and I ran into Adam and Quinn. They’re down making sandcastles before the movie starts. Just wanted to make sure you boys were behaving yourselves.”
“Always luv,” Mickey puts his hand on his heart in mock outrage. “Danny and I have secret men’s business to discuss, so if you please?” He makes a shooing gesture.
“You heard the man,” Danny says.
Rachel just laughs, bright and carefree, and grabs the pretzel bowl on her way past.
Mickey waits for her to clear out of earshot before he speaks. “Seriously though, how are you doing Danny? You look shattered mate.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“You know what I mean, is the pain still giving you grief?”
Danny sighs. “Yeah, I’m still feeling pretty shitty, but I’m coping for the most part. I just wish I felt better, then maybe I’d be like how I was before. Normal, you know?”
“It’s been a rough year.”
“Yeah, but I’ve had rough years before. This time is different. It just feels like I’m just spinning out the time, waiting for something... Waiting for this to end, probably. God, I know how bad that sounds...” Danny sucks in a breath. “I’m happy, really. I have Charlie, and I’m living in a tropical paradise. It’s just, hard sometimes you know?”
Mickey nods, and lets the silence sit for a long while before he speaks. “I know Rach and I haven’t been together that long, but she’s my best mate. I can’t imagine what it would be like if she up and left. And I know she’s not perfect... that this all might go belly up one day... and that scares the hell out of me.” He twists his wedding ring absently, and Danny feels a pang of sympathy for the guy.
Danny had laid it all out for Mickey that day he asked Danny for his blessing, mostly to reassure him that Danny wasn’t a threat to their relationship, but also because he felt he owed him the same honesty Mickey had given him. Danny thinks about the way Mickey had taken it, saying that we all have parts of ourselves that we try to pretend aren’t there. That acknowledging each other’s weaknesses is part of a conscious decision to love the whole person, and not just the parts you like.
Danny’s been thinking about that a lot lately.
“But you and Steve have been best mates for a decade. And now he’s buggered off to parts unknown leaving you to pick up the pieces. I’m not surprised you’re having a hard time of it.”
“Yeah, well if I’d been married to the guy at least I could sue for alimony.” Danny says, voice bitter.
“To missed opportunities,” Mickey says, and clinks their bottles together.
It’s late by the time Danny gets home, and Eddie gives him a baleful look when he staggers to the kitchen to put out his dinner.
Dog duties done, he drags himself into the kitchen to take his meds, still feeling the effects of the three beers Mickey plied him with after Rachel and Charlie went home. That’s probably why he’s not thinking about consequences when he taps out a text to Steve at one in the morning.
//I miss you. Tell me youre coming home soon//
Danny settles into the couch hoping to enjoy a few blissful hours pain-free while the drugs are still fresh in his system. He's starting to feel cotton headed and spacey already. The pain is still there but it's getting duller by the minute. He only hopes that by the time the infomercials are playing on the TV that finally he can get some rest.
When the pain is bad, everything seems harder. He has been putting off the decision of where to send Charlie to middle school even though Rachel has been pestering him for weeks about waiting lists and open days. At this point he’s seriously contemplating just sending him to the same school that Grace attended, even if the cost will send him into a level of debt that a man on the edge of retirement should not be entertaining.
Between that and needing to trade his car in again, the weight of what should be mostly easy decisions feel overwhelming and far more significant than they really should be.
Steve has mocked him on more than one occasion for being indecisive. He knows it’s just the way they do their thing, jibes that are harsh but true, yet delivered with fond exasperation. Choosing a place to have lunch never seemed worth the fight when Steve would just steamroll over him anyway.
Steve never seemed to understand that in Danny’s desperation to preserve his marriage, he’d cultivated a deferential reflex to any question of that ilk. It shouldn’t, but it makes Danny second guess himself now that the decisions are slightly higher stakes than what’s for lunch.
He’s used to weighing the preferences of another person against his decisions, and despite the fact that he considers Steve to be wildly unhinged at the best of times, the advice he gives isn’t always terrible.
Danny needs a sounding board. And Steve is long gone.
The clock ticks past two when the discomfort in his chest finally starts to ease—Danny can feel the weight of his own eyelids getting heavy. The TV drones on. Finally, the exhaustion of the day is starting to outweigh the irritation of the pain, and he can only hope that maybe tonight will be the night he gets a decent sleep.
Call it wishful thinking, but he keeps hoping. The lump in his throat is dissipating and the feeling of being unable to breathe has lessened. It never truly goes away, but it feels less like a strangling noose around his neck slowly crushing the life out of him. Tomorrow is a new day and Danny resolves to greet it with at least a small amount of optimism.
Go to Part 2
Rated PG
Steve McGarrett / Danny Williams
Mentions of prescription drug use/reliance, mental health issues
Post-Series Fix It (eventually)
Danny's life starts to go downhill with Steve's departure, made worse by the fact that Steve has dropped out of communication almost entirely. When a report comes in of an incident of vigilantism in Maine by a man matching Steve's description, Danny embarks on a journey to find his missing friend.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
“Son of a bitch!”
Genuinely, Danny tries not to sweat the small stuff. It goes against his very nature, but he is trying. He’s self-aware enough to acknowledge that without Steve around to listen to his usual griping, it’s sucked the fun out of it, and it’s getting harder to pretend that he doesn’t really mean it when he complains about how much he hates his life.
He’s seen the looks that his teammates share behind his back (they think they’re being subtle but he’s not an idiot), and he knows that it’s only a matter of time before one of them gets volunteered to ask if he’s ok.
Tani gets this pinched look on her face sometimes, like she wants to talk about his feelings, and Danny is very much not dealing with that right now. The constant stream of coffees and malasada bags are a sweet gesture, but not even full caffeination and sky-high blood glucose can make the days pass any easier.
Danny is tired. Which is why tripping on the corner of the smart table and having to catch himself in a way that twinges his chest is just officially too much for him to deal with today.
Adam steadies him with a worried smile, and Danny is probably being an asshole when he shrugs him off, but Adam is kind enough not to call him on it. The zen way Adam stands there as if Danny isn’t liable to explode at any minute really pisses him off.
He hates being coddled. Steve would have insulted him for being clumsy, and Danny would have been within his rights to give him hell right back. Now, all that happens is a sympathetic grunt from Lou, and an embarrassing wave of maternal smothering from the other side of the table where Tani and Quinn are standing.
“You know what, looks like you kids have this one under control,” Danny says, as the weight of their worried expressions make the room shrink in on him. “I’ve got to follow up on a thing. I’ll be out today.”
He waves behind him and pushes through the glass doors in a hurry, praying that no one comes after him.
The Camaro carries him out onto the highway. The morning sun is blazing hot, but in the distance he can see a familiar hill and an old rock wall that looks out over the ocean.
The breeze is strong up on the lookout, and Danny takes a moment to be grateful he’d decided to shave his head. Not that he’s going to give Steve any credit for the idea, but lately he hasn’t had the patience for styling his hair, and the drugs make getting out of bed a challenge at the best of times. He’s just happy to have an extra thirty minutes of his morning back to sleep in.
The others had been shocked at first—apparently it’s fine when Steve does his own home hairdressing, but when Danny does, it’s a cause for concern. He’d been outraged at the double standard for all of ten minutes before Kamekona had appeared and given him a delighted bear-hug, telling him how much better it suited him than it did McGarrett.
Danny had texted Steve to rub it in, and had received a :( emoji back almost instantly.
Kamekona is back on his shit list now though. He’d been involving Danny in the restaurant again, asking his opinion on new menu items and taking him to wine tastings and farmers markets all over the island.
Danny was touched that he would value his opinion so highly, only to discover it was all a ruse—as per usual, Kame collapsed under interrogation, confessing he was just trying to help take Danny’s mind off things.
He’s been eating lunch at Flippa’s truck ever since.
Is this how Steve felt during his ill-fated intervention? Is this what it’s like to slowly lose the last shreds of sanity? When did everything become so mundane and joyless? Danny has no answers. But he suspects that it has something to do with the Navy SEAL shaped hole in his life that’s been getting bigger with each passing day.
For a brief second he’s struck by the thought that he probably owes Steve an apology. But it’s only momentary, and he reminds himself exactly who caused this situation in the first place.
Steve has been gone for nearly a year. Every now and then Danny checks his calendar to make sure he hasn’t hallucinated the last twelve months of his life, because the pain is still fresh.
Danny has finished his rehab and is supposed to be back to capacity, and yet from the moment he wakes up until he passes out at night on painkillers, there’s an ache in his chest that just won’t let up.
Nerve damage is the vague and unhelpful diagnosis he’s given. It’s not like it’s a broken heart or anything. Danny’s had his heart broken enough times to know that this feels different.
And yes, while he can never be mad at his little girl, he was not impressed when Grace gave him her assessment of the situation. All those romantic comedies she’s watched have clearly rotted her brain. Being called out by his own flesh and blood about his co-dependency issues was a brutal parenting moment, one which he is not keen to repeat. He’s wishing he’d paid a little closer attention to her course selection, but there’s nothing he can do about the fact that she’s aceing Psychology 101.
Danny checks his phone, but thus far no one on the team has sent him anything. He’s not expecting much, and they’re all probably busy chasing criminals across rooftops in downtown Oahu. The last message he sent Steve (a video of Junior and Cole dressed for an undercover op at the local ladies night, with Tani teaching them some dance moves from Magic Mike) is still showing as unseen, and Danny tries not to wonder about what exciting thing he’s doing that’s keeping him from reading it.
Sharing little pieces of home is the only way Danny can think of to keep Steve from breaking the tether completely. He’s been gone a long time, and long distance relationships are hard under the best circumstances. Steve’s tendency to drop off the grid for days and weeks at a time has been getting worse.
Danny tells himself not to worry, that he’s just being selfish wanting to keep some of Steve’s time. Steve deserves to find a bit of that peace he so desperately needs, and if that search takes him away from Danny, well then how can he begrudge his friend the freedom. And yet he can’t stop himself from tapping out a message designed to bait Steve into replying.
The return text is quick, and while he’s hesitant to read too much into it, Steve’s message definitely seems irritated:
//MY liver is fine. Stop nagging me about it. Tell Junior his moves haven’t improved since the last time I saw him dance. //
Danny wants to make a joke that makes inappropriate insinuations about Steve’s experience with Junior’s stripper moves, but he curbs the impulse.
This bitter streak of resentment he’s been cultivating is taking a toll. His jokes all seem to land flat, with edges a little sharper than Steve can convincingly brush off.
He sits on the ledge of rock until he feels his skin starting to burn in the bright sun. It’s hard to believe that in a place so beautiful, he can feel so wretched. The soft swooshing sound of the waves, and the excited chatter of tourists just leaves him feeling bleak, and a bit hopeless. It’s another five hours before he can pick Charlie up from school, but he’s sorely tempted to bust him out now and for the two of them to go on the lam for the day.
Charlie needs him at his best, though, and right now he isn’t going to be good company. Danny heads home, knowing at least Eddie will appreciate the surprise. Some intensive dog therapy might be just what he needs to feel better.
Rachel calls him just as he’s about to head out and pick Charlie up, offering if Charlie (and by extension Danny) would like to join them for a Friday night movie at the swim-in theater. She’s been surprisingly pleasant about things lately, which Danny puts down to the positive influence of Mickey, her new husband.
The guy is practically a saint for agreeing to move to Oahu so they can be closer to Charlie, and Danny can’t even find it in the depths of his lizard brain to be jealous because Mickey is a straight-up nice guy. He’d taken Danny out for beers when he and Rachel had been dating a while and honest to god asked for Danny’s blessing to marry her. Which Danny had been only too happy to provide.
Even though his own dating life has been at a standstill, he’s pleased she’s finally found her soulmate. Mickey is English, works at the same firm as Rachel, and most importantly, doesn’t drive a fancy European car. The two of them are like two peas in a pod, and it’s with stark clarity Danny can finally see why he and Rachel never worked out. They never fit together the way she and Mickey do.
She greets him with a familial hug, before relieving Danny of Charlie’s backpack and towel herding Charlie towards the big screen. Mickey slings a companionable arm over his shoulders and steers him towards the bar.
“Rach said you’ve been back at work?” Mickey asks, propping himself up on a barstool and flagging down the attendant. “Two beers, thanks guv,” he says, chucking cash down on the bar without any argument. Danny is suddenly and viscerally reminded of the fact that he’s not in Kansas anymore and Steve isn’t here to expect him to pay for the round.
“Yeah... I’ve been doing a bit of consulting,” Danny says neutrally. Mickey may be a great guy, but he will report back to Rachel with any and all intelligence so Danny isn’t inclined to say much. But he can tell if Mickey is buying that he’ll get Danny drunk and wheedle the truth out of him eventually.
“That’s great, mate. Glad to hear it. We’ve been worried about you getting bored without all that excitement in your life.”
“Excitement!? Hah. And since when has Rachel been so keen on me being a cop?”
“Well, that was more me than her I suppose. Just seems to me that the job is a big part of your life. I know I’d go completely bonkers if I had to retire at our age.”
“Yeah well, the job’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Especially now that…” Danny stops himself. There’s a gameshow on the TV above the bar, and he stares intently at it and tries to ignore the way Mickey’s waiting for him to continue.
Mickey lets him take a swig of his beer, but doesn’t let him off the hook. “How’s Steve?”
Damn him, Danny thinks. Damn his stupid English face.
“He’s fine. He texted today.”
“That’s good—no word on when he’ll be back then?” Mickey says.
“No. No word. I’m beginning to think he’s not coming back.” Danny chokes up a bit, but Mickey just pats him on the shoulder and pushes a bowl of pretzels in front of him.
“None of that now.” Mickey scolds him in such a posh way that Danny doesn’t even think to be mad about it. “He’ll be back. I bet you’ll be ditching me for a better drinking buddy in no time.”
“Why would I do that? You always pay the tab. I’d be an idiot to take Steve over you.”
“Well, clearly he and I need to have words about how he treats his friends.”
“I would pay to see that. British Architect versus American Navy SEAL. Sorry babe, but you wouldn’t stand a chance.” Danny laughs. “But thanks for the moral support. Steve’s pretty set in his ways. I’ve done my best, but some things you just have to let go.”
“Men... can’t live with them, can’t live without them,” Rachel startles him as she plucks Mickey’s beer out of his hand and commandeers it.
“Oi, I resemble that remark, and get your own.” Mickey swipes his beer back and Danny can’t help the stab of melancholy that hits him watching the two of them together. There’s no jealousy, only a bit of envy that Danny tries to ignore.
“Charlie and I ran into Adam and Quinn. They’re down making sandcastles before the movie starts. Just wanted to make sure you boys were behaving yourselves.”
“Always luv,” Mickey puts his hand on his heart in mock outrage. “Danny and I have secret men’s business to discuss, so if you please?” He makes a shooing gesture.
“You heard the man,” Danny says.
Rachel just laughs, bright and carefree, and grabs the pretzel bowl on her way past.
Mickey waits for her to clear out of earshot before he speaks. “Seriously though, how are you doing Danny? You look shattered mate.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“You know what I mean, is the pain still giving you grief?”
Danny sighs. “Yeah, I’m still feeling pretty shitty, but I’m coping for the most part. I just wish I felt better, then maybe I’d be like how I was before. Normal, you know?”
“It’s been a rough year.”
“Yeah, but I’ve had rough years before. This time is different. It just feels like I’m just spinning out the time, waiting for something... Waiting for this to end, probably. God, I know how bad that sounds...” Danny sucks in a breath. “I’m happy, really. I have Charlie, and I’m living in a tropical paradise. It’s just, hard sometimes you know?”
Mickey nods, and lets the silence sit for a long while before he speaks. “I know Rach and I haven’t been together that long, but she’s my best mate. I can’t imagine what it would be like if she up and left. And I know she’s not perfect... that this all might go belly up one day... and that scares the hell out of me.” He twists his wedding ring absently, and Danny feels a pang of sympathy for the guy.
Danny had laid it all out for Mickey that day he asked Danny for his blessing, mostly to reassure him that Danny wasn’t a threat to their relationship, but also because he felt he owed him the same honesty Mickey had given him. Danny thinks about the way Mickey had taken it, saying that we all have parts of ourselves that we try to pretend aren’t there. That acknowledging each other’s weaknesses is part of a conscious decision to love the whole person, and not just the parts you like.
Danny’s been thinking about that a lot lately.
“But you and Steve have been best mates for a decade. And now he’s buggered off to parts unknown leaving you to pick up the pieces. I’m not surprised you’re having a hard time of it.”
“Yeah, well if I’d been married to the guy at least I could sue for alimony.” Danny says, voice bitter.
“To missed opportunities,” Mickey says, and clinks their bottles together.
It’s late by the time Danny gets home, and Eddie gives him a baleful look when he staggers to the kitchen to put out his dinner.
Dog duties done, he drags himself into the kitchen to take his meds, still feeling the effects of the three beers Mickey plied him with after Rachel and Charlie went home. That’s probably why he’s not thinking about consequences when he taps out a text to Steve at one in the morning.
//I miss you. Tell me youre coming home soon//
Danny settles into the couch hoping to enjoy a few blissful hours pain-free while the drugs are still fresh in his system. He's starting to feel cotton headed and spacey already. The pain is still there but it's getting duller by the minute. He only hopes that by the time the infomercials are playing on the TV that finally he can get some rest.
When the pain is bad, everything seems harder. He has been putting off the decision of where to send Charlie to middle school even though Rachel has been pestering him for weeks about waiting lists and open days. At this point he’s seriously contemplating just sending him to the same school that Grace attended, even if the cost will send him into a level of debt that a man on the edge of retirement should not be entertaining.
Between that and needing to trade his car in again, the weight of what should be mostly easy decisions feel overwhelming and far more significant than they really should be.
Steve has mocked him on more than one occasion for being indecisive. He knows it’s just the way they do their thing, jibes that are harsh but true, yet delivered with fond exasperation. Choosing a place to have lunch never seemed worth the fight when Steve would just steamroll over him anyway.
Steve never seemed to understand that in Danny’s desperation to preserve his marriage, he’d cultivated a deferential reflex to any question of that ilk. It shouldn’t, but it makes Danny second guess himself now that the decisions are slightly higher stakes than what’s for lunch.
He’s used to weighing the preferences of another person against his decisions, and despite the fact that he considers Steve to be wildly unhinged at the best of times, the advice he gives isn’t always terrible.
Danny needs a sounding board. And Steve is long gone.
The clock ticks past two when the discomfort in his chest finally starts to ease—Danny can feel the weight of his own eyelids getting heavy. The TV drones on. Finally, the exhaustion of the day is starting to outweigh the irritation of the pain, and he can only hope that maybe tonight will be the night he gets a decent sleep.
Call it wishful thinking, but he keeps hoping. The lump in his throat is dissipating and the feeling of being unable to breathe has lessened. It never truly goes away, but it feels less like a strangling noose around his neck slowly crushing the life out of him. Tomorrow is a new day and Danny resolves to greet it with at least a small amount of optimism.
Go to Part 2
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