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swiftraxHawaii Five-0 - Halfway Home - Part 2
Rated PG
Steve McGarrett / Danny Williams
Mentions of prescription drug use/reliance, mental health issues
Post-Series Fix It (eventually)
Danny's life starts to go downhill with Steve's departure, made worse by the fact that Steve has dropped out of communication almost entirely. When a report comes in of an incident of vigilantism in Maine by a man matching Steve's description, Danny embarks on a journey to find his missing friend.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
The next morning, actual optimism is asking a bit much of his beleaguered body, but by the time the Hawaiian sun has warmed him as he sits out on the lanai, he’s feeling a little bit more human.
It's barely past seven, but Danny pulls his phone from his pocket and dials Adam. They have a standing breakfast date at Flippa’s truck every Thursday, but this morning Danny is just not sure he can muster the enthusiasm for food. It goes to voicemail after only a few rings which makes Danny feel less guilty about the early morning call.
Danny leaves a vague and apologetic message about not making it to breakfast, but as if summoned by a sixth sense for Danny’s misery, Adam pulls up out the front of the house two minutes later. He badgers Danny into the shower and makes him coffee while he waits, and makes it generally impossible for Danny to stay at home and wallow.
Adam style is nothing like Steve's. He's not interested in the kind of confrontational back and forth, but at least he listens, and is sharp enough that Danny can’t bamboozle him easily. He’s also a complete asshole who doesn’t take no for an answer when he thinks Danny needs to be properly fed.
Danny dries his buzzed hair with a lot less care than he used to, and jumps behind the wheel of the Camaro, feeling at least five percent less dreadful than he did when he arrived home the night before. It's not much, but any improvement is better than nothing.
Hawaii is disgustingly happy and bright and beautiful as he drives out of the neighborhood, and Danny is offended that the island couldn't even muster up a decent rainstorm to fit his mood.
He follows Adam’s car out to Diamond Head on autopilot. Danny had been dubious at first that breakfast shrimp was a thing he wanted in his life, but as with every other aspect of his existence, Kamekona has pushed his way into breakfast too. Danny has been forced to accept that this is his life now—he is a man who eats shrimp for breakfast on Thursdays.
Adam plants himself down at the table opposite, distributing the plates and drinks while Danny avoids his inquisitive gaze and watches the waves crash down on the beach.
“Anything you want to talk about?” Adam asks, pushing Danny’s plate towards him with an encouraging smile.
Danny huffs out a laugh, and takes a bite of the shrimp omelette, before chasing it down with soda and painkillers. At least his stomach will rebel less if he eats, so Danny begrudgingly takes another forkful of eggs.
“There’s nothing really. Just some stupid stuff that I just can't get figured out of my head. I don't know why these things seem so hard at the moment. I just don't know which way to go and it's driving me crazy." The words come out all in a rush, against Danny’s will. He hadn’t planned to unload on Adam this morning, in fact he wanted the exact opposite, but he finds he can’t help himself once the words start coming.
“Talk to me Danny, you know I hate to see you feeling like this.” Adam’s eyebrows crinkle into a worried expression, and Danny is suddenly reminded of Steve, complaining about both of them getting old. He sighs, chasing away the image of Steve frowning at him in disappointment.
“I'm just tired I guess and I just keep reminding myself of all the things that I can't control. All the things that are potentially going to go bad.”
“Have you thought about talking to your therapist about this?” Adam’s voice is gentle and kind. “Is it about Steve? The rest of us haven’t heard from him in a while…”
"I guess it just feels a little futile at this point. It's not like he's coming back. I need to learn how to move on and how to live my life without needing Steve's support. And I need to stop wondering if he’s safe and not lying dead in a ditch somewhere because his stubborn attitude has pissed off the wrong person.”
Danny tries to take a calming breath, and stabs viciously at his eggs. The tines of the plastic fork snap. He tries not to be too annoyed when Adam gets him a new one like he’s unable to look after himself.
“Danny there's nothing wrong with needing people.”
“What good does it do me if he's not here?" Danny’s voice turns bitter, and he throws the broken fork down.
“Steve won't be gone forever. He is coming back. He promised, Danny. He wouldn't just leave you here by yourself. Deep down he knows this is home even if he thinks it's not. He’ll come back to us.”
“I just wish I could still believe that but it's been nearly a year. I just don't see if Steve hasn't found what he was looking for, how he's just going to magically come back here fulfilled and happy and all those things he went searching for.”
Adam nods sympathetically.
“I think we both know that that was going to be pretty hard to achieve without a lot of therapy and a lot of time,” Adam says, looking thoughtful.
“That's what scares me. This could take years! I worry that neither of us have that kind of time, between my heart and Steve’s radiation poisoning. I just feel like the opportunity to convince him he can be happy here is gone… and now he's left and I'm here stuck in this god-forsaken paradise for the rest of my life.”
There is paint flaking off the wooden slats of the benchtop and Danny tries to look closely at it until the burning behind his eyes eases off. He keeps looking, searching for other imperfections in a postcard-perfect morning so that he won’t lose it completely.
Adam’s hand, gentle on his wrist, almost sends him over the edge anyway.
“Just take a deep breath and remember that right now, you’re fine and Steve is fine. Your last results came back all good, right?” Danny grits his teeth, but nods in agreement.
“Yeah, you’re right. I know you’re right.”
His last scans were normal, and the doctor had given him the all clear to go back to work. However, Danny’s natural inclination to fear the worst has him convinced that it’s only a matter of time, and getting shot in the chest twice last year will come back to haunt him eventually. Assuming he doesn’t get shot again.
“Come on Danny, remember to take things one day at a time.”
“Yes, thank you Captain Platitude,” Danny says, the last vestiges of his morning crankiness leaking into his tone.
Adam just gives him a beatific smile and offers him a malasada.
“Is there anything we can do today that will help you? We all want to just make sure you have the support you need.”
Danny sighs, and scrubs a hand through the fuzz on his head. "You know anything about rich fancy schools?" he asks.
“Afraid not, other than that I attended one and I think I turned out mostly okay. At least, no worse for having gone to a private school.” Adam looks pensive for a moment.
Danny can all-to-easily imagine him as a precocious upstart in a wool blazer, looking prim and proper despite the Hawaii heat. Just a happy kid with no awareness of the man his father would become, no knowledge of the pain and sacrifice his future would bring.
Danny thinks about Charlie, and about what his future will bring. Adam looks expectantly at him.
“I need to pick a school for Charlie for next year, ok? It sounds silly and inconsequential but this is Charlie's education I have to consider and I can barely even think beyond the end of this week let alone making decisions for next year."
He’s been letting his worries about Charlie going to a different school to the rest of his friends get the best of him, and it’s paralysed him every time he goes to fill out the intake forms. He’s half convinced that he’s setting his son up for a miserable year of isolation. Danny’s therapist had suggested perhaps he’s projecting his own issues onto his child unnecessarily and that kids that age are more resilient and better able to make new friends than Danny is.
He had thought the last part was pretty rude of her to say to his face.
“Do you think you’re struggling to decide about the future because you're still waiting on someone to tell you their plans?”
Danny turns back to the waves so he can pretend not to be offended. Adam just doesn’t understand...he’s got the bull by the tail and Danny is not waiting for Steve like a jilted groom left at the altar. He’s not.
“While he’s responsible for a lot of it, not every problem in my life is because of Steve. He has nothing to do with my decision on where to send my kid to middle school.”
“Maybe so, but I get the feeling that there's a lot of things on hold in your brain waiting for Steve to tell you what he thinks or what he plans to do.”
In that moment, Danny hates Adam with the fire of a thousand Hawaiian suns. He hates him for being right.
Danny has always considered himself to be independent and self-reliant, but the last ten years have changed him. Letting Steve into his life and making him part of his decision making process has made Steve's absence seem all the more pronounced.
Danny needs his partner back. Though it pains him to admit—even to himself—that he’s not managing all that well on his own. Even though they never agree about much of anything, at least if he is arguing with Steve he can figure out where he stands in his own mind. Now everything seems nebulous and confusing. Danny is honestly struggling without somebody there to pull him back when his own thoughts start to spiral into the ridiculous.
Steve has been a constant in his life since the day he dragged Danny out into a rainstorm to join his crazy crusade. Rachel, Gabby, Melissa, they all came and went. And through it all, Steve was there—a constant presence in the background helping him in all the ways a partner should.
Now, Danny is alone.
Steve had wormed his way into Danny's life, and the two of them are now inextricably linked to the point that he’s still here on Oahu, living the life that Steve has left behind, unable to let go. His own path has just become a monument to the life Steve should have had—he’s living in Steve’s house, walking his dog, doing his job.
Danny worries that he's lost the ability to function without him, and feels like he’s losing himself in the process.
When Danny says as much to Adam, the alarmed expression on his friend’s face is almost too much to bear.
“You’re still you Danny. I know how much you can come to define yourself by who you are in relation to someone you love, but you don’t have to let go of what you want for your life.”
“I think deep down Steve knew I wasn’t going to cope without him. He wanted me to name the restaurant after him because even if we weren’t together, I would still have something of him with me. Like I would just disappear if he wasn’t there to keep me grounded, or something. I get that he was worried he was going to die at the time, but how is this any better?”
Danny unclenches his fists from around the edge of the picnic table when he realizes Adam has stopped eating and is staring at him, concerned. Adam himself is no stranger to this feeling, but Steve and Danny were never married. It's not like he’s a divorcé trying to make his way in the world after a terrible break up.
“I don’t think that it is better.” Adam pokes at his own shrimp omelet for a moment, weighing his response. “I understand about wanting a fresh start, but I always thought he would find his way back to you once he had a bit of perspective on what he’s walked out on.”
“Do you still think about Kono coming back?” The question slips out before Danny can stop himself, but Adam just smiles ruefully.
“She found her calling, and ultimately I found mine. I will always love her, and she has taken a piece of my heart with her. But it’s a gift I gave away, with no expectations. Time, and everyone in our family’s love has made it all bearable.”
“I thought I’d made my peace with it. Steve and Cath had a second chance and I wasn’t going to stand in the way of that. But when she didn’t stick around, I thought for sure he’d come home.”
“Is it possible he has met someone?”
“Maybe… I know Steve has a long track record of refusing to admit when he’s got a girlfriend, but surely he would have told me at least that there was someone he’s spending time with.”
“He could be afraid to tell you…”
“What? Why?”
“Come on Danny… I’ve known you guys a long time now.”
“Yeah, so?”
“At the risk of pissing you off even more—” he holds his hands up in the air and gives Danny the most insincere apologetic smile, “—but you were kind of transparent at the end there. You went so hard in the other direction trying to set Steve up with women for me to believe that it wasn’t something to do with you and him.”
Danny wasn’t expecting Adam to call him out in such a direct way, but he opened the can of worms all on his own, and can’t blame the guy for not being stupid.
“I just wanted him to have a chance at a normal life, okay? After everything he’s been through, he deserved that much.” Danny says it, and almost believes it.
“And why did it never work out huh?”
“I don’t know why. I did everything I could to help but he always managed to screw it up somehow.”
“Danny, did it occur to you that Steve couldn’t make time for a girlfriend because he already had someone in his life that he was completely devoted to? His relationship with you was always his priority, so there wasn’t room for anyone else. Hell Danny, your kids think of him as their third parent for god’s sake.”
“Then why the hell would he tell me there wasn’t anything tying him here?!” Danny yells, stung.
It’s the same question he’s been asking himself over and over, and every time he arrives at the conclusion that Steve just didn’t want to be with Danny. That either he wouldn’t admit that he wanted the same things and ran away instead, or that Danny had just imagined that Steve wanted the same things.
“I don’t know Danny. Maybe he took you pressuring him to get a girlfriend as some kind of rebuff or something.”
“A rebuff?” Danny’s voice goes up a register, drawing a concerned look from Flippa in the truck behind them.
“I really think you should talk to him about this…”
“I am done trying to make sense of the crazy things Steve thinks. He couldn’t even pretend to be in a relationship with me for five minutes while we were on a case, so I am not going to go traipsing through a mine-field of emotional repression by asking him about it.”
“I’m sorry, when was this?” Adam looks surprised and Danny realizes he’s made a terrible mistake.
“It was nothing… just a little old lady got confused. And Steve was all ‘Aw shucks no ma’am we’re not gay,’ Anyway.”
“I see.” Adam is outright laughing now.
“It wasn’t a thing. Don’t make it a thing.”
Adam just snorts when he says this and gives him a long considering look. Danny feels his face heat with the rush of embarrassment, not that he has reason to be embarrassed. They have always weathered the jokes of codependency, but now it's not so funny anymore.
“I know you might not believe it right now, but I guarantee Steve is out there feeling the same way you are. He probably misses you like hell, and wouldn’t have the first clue of what to do about it. Steve was scared that he needed to fix himself, Danny. Do you think that maybe he was worried that what he was struggling with would affect your relationship? That he’s stayed away because he didn’t feel like he could be around you without his issues hurting you both?”
“So what are you saying? I should be happy that he’s not here?”
“No, I’m just saying that maybe he’s scared and confused. You know that man has a self-sacrificial streak a mile wide. Even if his reasoning is flawed, I guarantee his heart is in the right place.”
“So what do I do?”
“Reach out. Keep the connection, and if you’re really worried, well… you’re pretty tight with law-enforcement. I’m sure you could find out what he’s up to if you really wanted to know.”
“I am not going to stalk Steve,” Danny hisses.
“I’m not suggesting that you should,” Adam says, gathering up the leftovers before the waiting seagulls can steal them. “I’m just saying that maybe we should check up properly on our friend who was in a bad place when he left. I don’t think it’s unjustified to be worried about him, Danny. Besides, since when have you two had any boundaries?”
“You make a fair point,” Danny agrees. He just wishes it was easier to know whether Steve wants Danny to keep trying, or whether he just wants to close the chapter of his life in Hawaii and move on.
It hurts the worst when he's driving. Usually it's that time where his brain is otherwise occupied with basic manual tasks. Steering the car so that it doesn't run off the road takes so little brain power that there is abundant brainspace to daydream. His go-to dream of late has been this unknown future state that Danny calls ‘when Steve gets back’.
When Steve gets back.
Danny has no idea when that will be but he's still hoping for it every day, and with every day that passes he is sure he’s moving closer to the time when Steve will come home.
The days between now and when Steve left are mounting, though. The time can almost be quantified in years not months, and Danny’s hard-won optimism is starting to flag.
It's in the down times—with his hands on the wheel and his mind somewhere else—that he can conjure Steve back into his life. Can imagine their reunion and how amazing it will be to finally have Steve back home.
Danny imagines getting the call. Or a text, he’s not fussy. He imagines waiting in the arrivals lounge at Honolulu Airport, a lei grasped in one hand as he loiters hopefully by the baggage claim.
He can see Steve, haloed by overhead fluorescent lights, looking just as good as ever. It’s Danny’s dream, so he imagines Steve looking strong and healthy and finally happy.
Happy enough that he can return to Danny and they can move forward together.
The airport, with its ugly carpet and uncomfortable plastic chairs is hardly the most beautiful place on the island, but if Steve is there then it's the only place Danny would want to be.
Steve wouldn't run towards him. Danny isn’t that sappy. But he would definitely stride purposefully forward, arms outstretched ready to wrap Danny up in a bear hug so tight Danny can hold on and never let go. He’ll smile bashfully when Danny lei’s him, and they’ll leave together, laughing as Danny tries to chivalrously carry Steve’s bag.
Being away from him, and watching him leave Danny behind has been brutally tough. It's been one of the hardest things that Danny has had to bear and that's including his divorce and every other awful thing that's happened up until now. But the fantasy makes the pain go away, even if it doesn’t last.
The dream carries Danny out to the car park, and Steve is storing his bags in the back of the Camaro and sliding into the driver’s seat like he never even left. Danny won’t even get after him about his control issues because he'll just be so darn happy. Danny won't even complain when Steve leaves a trail of rubber along the car park floor on his way out.
They’ll drive through the night on the highway, lights flickering overhead like star trails. Steve's jaw will be stubbled with a half day’s growth from being stuck on a plane for half a day, but to Danny he will look perfect.
A small smile, just a sideways quirk of lips when Danny tells him a funny story about something he's missed while he was gone. Danny would do anything to make Steve laugh, just to feel the weight of the warmth behind Steve’s grin.
They will drive back to the McGarrett house, pulling into the front yard by the white picket fence. The homecoming will feel all the more real having finally made it back home. It's been Danny's home for the last year, but there's been something missing. An absence that feels steeped into the walls, and now the hollowness will be finally gone.
Danny will follow Steve into the house, tossing the bags by the door with little care, before Steve will drag him close and tell Danny that he's missed him more than anything and that he’s finally staying. That he's found something in Hawaii worth fighting for. Worth staying for.
Danny doesn't let the daydream go any further. He knows he’s torturing himself. It's probably not healthy living in some imaginary future world all the time, but what his therapist doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
In his dream-world, everything is happy and perfect and nothing hurts. Steve is back with him where Danny thinks he belongs. Dream-Steve feels whole—he found what he was looking for and has come back to Danny fulfilled and ready to move forward, without that shadow that's been dogging him since he lost Joe and Doris.
He's not sure if he's being selfish or not. He just wants Steve to be well so that he'll come back and Danny can have his partner back. But the truth is, he would take any happiness for Steve, even if it means Steve will never come home. He just can’t stand not knowing. He hates leaving anything unresolved, and the lack of closure is what chafes the most.
His other favorite driving pastime is to mentally reenact some of their worst arguments, imagining what he would have said differently. Maybe if he just tried a little harder to help Steve instead of fighting him every step of the way, then maybe Steve would never have felt so alone. Maybe he would have stayed and they could have worked things out if Danny had been a better partner.
Danny looks back on all the conversations—every argument, every dispute, every comment about Steve's driving or Danny’s negativity. Danny wonders if he hasn't been the problem all along.
Maybe if he just fought a little harder that day on the beach. Maybe if he had shown Steve what he still had waiting for him here in Hawaii. If he had proven him wrong when Steve said there was nothing here for him. If Danny had just been honest, truly honest, then maybe Steve wouldn't have left.
But they don't do that. Neither of them have gone out on that limb, and Danny wonders if this is the price of cowardice.
Besides, Steve had already walled himself off, decision made, and nothing Danny was going to say would change it. No amount of telling Steve how much he loves him could change the fact that Steve was going to leave.
Everyone else had accepted Steve's decision to leave at face value. No one seemed bothered by the red flags that Danny was seeing. He didn't want to spook Steve by pointing out that after a traumatic experience, deciding to just leave and go somewhere else was possibly not the best way to deal with it.
And really, Danny should know. He is a master of running away from his problems, but he never wanted that for Steve. Steve is the kind of person that always tackles everything head-on. The idea that Steve would go on the run to escape the feelings he’d been forced to experience left Danny feeling concerned.
The rest of the team on the other hand seem keen to embrace this new world that Steve wanted to experience. They were so encouraging and so understanding. Danny wonders if ultimately that was the right choice, when Steve didn't come home again as promised, and the weeks dragged into months.
So Danny worries.
When his imagination takes a dark turn, all he can see is Steve lying somewhere, face bloodless and white with no one to watch his back—no one to tell him how important he is—and certainly no one to keep him out of trouble.
Danny wonders if Steve is still taking his meds. Whether he's feeling okay and that the effects of his many, many unfortunate life choices aren't making him too unwell. But most of all, Danny worries that he hasn't found what he's looking for. That instead, he has found nothing but sadness and despair and now he's alone out there in the world without a purpose and without his family.
A voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Danny’s therapist, tells him to quit being so melodramatic.
But still, it’s all there. All the worry and the fear and the shame, lurking in his subconscious, waiting for the right moment to grab him by the throat.
He can hear someone in the distance screaming. The water rushes over his head, leaving him retching and choking in the whitewash churn. The voice gets farther away. It’s hard to think, hard to do anything but struggle against the tide. Billy was with him moments ago. Danny fights to stay on the surface long enough to spot the familiar mop of hair or the awkward pinwheeling freestyle. Billy is nowhere. He’s gone.
Danny is sure he’s drowning. The weight of the thousand arms grab and pull and drag him under the water, no matter how hard he tries to fight them off. Below the surface, the water is dark and murky. It hurts his eyes. The cloying sea water distorts his senses and he can’t find his way back up.
What sounds like a jet boat skims along the edge of his hearing, barely discernible over the din of the waves. Danny’s father is yelling, calling out to him in a panicked voice he’s never heard before. It would be easier just to give up. To let the waves swallow him.
His lungs are burning now. The boat drives past above his head, and the dull thump of the propellers fades away. He’s alone in the dark.
Danny wakes up gasping.
Next Part
Rated PG
Steve McGarrett / Danny Williams
Mentions of prescription drug use/reliance, mental health issues
Post-Series Fix It (eventually)
Danny's life starts to go downhill with Steve's departure, made worse by the fact that Steve has dropped out of communication almost entirely. When a report comes in of an incident of vigilantism in Maine by a man matching Steve's description, Danny embarks on a journey to find his missing friend.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
The next morning, actual optimism is asking a bit much of his beleaguered body, but by the time the Hawaiian sun has warmed him as he sits out on the lanai, he’s feeling a little bit more human.
It's barely past seven, but Danny pulls his phone from his pocket and dials Adam. They have a standing breakfast date at Flippa’s truck every Thursday, but this morning Danny is just not sure he can muster the enthusiasm for food. It goes to voicemail after only a few rings which makes Danny feel less guilty about the early morning call.
Danny leaves a vague and apologetic message about not making it to breakfast, but as if summoned by a sixth sense for Danny’s misery, Adam pulls up out the front of the house two minutes later. He badgers Danny into the shower and makes him coffee while he waits, and makes it generally impossible for Danny to stay at home and wallow.
Adam style is nothing like Steve's. He's not interested in the kind of confrontational back and forth, but at least he listens, and is sharp enough that Danny can’t bamboozle him easily. He’s also a complete asshole who doesn’t take no for an answer when he thinks Danny needs to be properly fed.
Danny dries his buzzed hair with a lot less care than he used to, and jumps behind the wheel of the Camaro, feeling at least five percent less dreadful than he did when he arrived home the night before. It's not much, but any improvement is better than nothing.
Hawaii is disgustingly happy and bright and beautiful as he drives out of the neighborhood, and Danny is offended that the island couldn't even muster up a decent rainstorm to fit his mood.
He follows Adam’s car out to Diamond Head on autopilot. Danny had been dubious at first that breakfast shrimp was a thing he wanted in his life, but as with every other aspect of his existence, Kamekona has pushed his way into breakfast too. Danny has been forced to accept that this is his life now—he is a man who eats shrimp for breakfast on Thursdays.
Adam plants himself down at the table opposite, distributing the plates and drinks while Danny avoids his inquisitive gaze and watches the waves crash down on the beach.
“Anything you want to talk about?” Adam asks, pushing Danny’s plate towards him with an encouraging smile.
Danny huffs out a laugh, and takes a bite of the shrimp omelette, before chasing it down with soda and painkillers. At least his stomach will rebel less if he eats, so Danny begrudgingly takes another forkful of eggs.
“There’s nothing really. Just some stupid stuff that I just can't get figured out of my head. I don't know why these things seem so hard at the moment. I just don't know which way to go and it's driving me crazy." The words come out all in a rush, against Danny’s will. He hadn’t planned to unload on Adam this morning, in fact he wanted the exact opposite, but he finds he can’t help himself once the words start coming.
“Talk to me Danny, you know I hate to see you feeling like this.” Adam’s eyebrows crinkle into a worried expression, and Danny is suddenly reminded of Steve, complaining about both of them getting old. He sighs, chasing away the image of Steve frowning at him in disappointment.
“I'm just tired I guess and I just keep reminding myself of all the things that I can't control. All the things that are potentially going to go bad.”
“Have you thought about talking to your therapist about this?” Adam’s voice is gentle and kind. “Is it about Steve? The rest of us haven’t heard from him in a while…”
"I guess it just feels a little futile at this point. It's not like he's coming back. I need to learn how to move on and how to live my life without needing Steve's support. And I need to stop wondering if he’s safe and not lying dead in a ditch somewhere because his stubborn attitude has pissed off the wrong person.”
Danny tries to take a calming breath, and stabs viciously at his eggs. The tines of the plastic fork snap. He tries not to be too annoyed when Adam gets him a new one like he’s unable to look after himself.
“Danny there's nothing wrong with needing people.”
“What good does it do me if he's not here?" Danny’s voice turns bitter, and he throws the broken fork down.
“Steve won't be gone forever. He is coming back. He promised, Danny. He wouldn't just leave you here by yourself. Deep down he knows this is home even if he thinks it's not. He’ll come back to us.”
“I just wish I could still believe that but it's been nearly a year. I just don't see if Steve hasn't found what he was looking for, how he's just going to magically come back here fulfilled and happy and all those things he went searching for.”
Adam nods sympathetically.
“I think we both know that that was going to be pretty hard to achieve without a lot of therapy and a lot of time,” Adam says, looking thoughtful.
“That's what scares me. This could take years! I worry that neither of us have that kind of time, between my heart and Steve’s radiation poisoning. I just feel like the opportunity to convince him he can be happy here is gone… and now he's left and I'm here stuck in this god-forsaken paradise for the rest of my life.”
There is paint flaking off the wooden slats of the benchtop and Danny tries to look closely at it until the burning behind his eyes eases off. He keeps looking, searching for other imperfections in a postcard-perfect morning so that he won’t lose it completely.
Adam’s hand, gentle on his wrist, almost sends him over the edge anyway.
“Just take a deep breath and remember that right now, you’re fine and Steve is fine. Your last results came back all good, right?” Danny grits his teeth, but nods in agreement.
“Yeah, you’re right. I know you’re right.”
His last scans were normal, and the doctor had given him the all clear to go back to work. However, Danny’s natural inclination to fear the worst has him convinced that it’s only a matter of time, and getting shot in the chest twice last year will come back to haunt him eventually. Assuming he doesn’t get shot again.
“Come on Danny, remember to take things one day at a time.”
“Yes, thank you Captain Platitude,” Danny says, the last vestiges of his morning crankiness leaking into his tone.
Adam just gives him a beatific smile and offers him a malasada.
“Is there anything we can do today that will help you? We all want to just make sure you have the support you need.”
Danny sighs, and scrubs a hand through the fuzz on his head. "You know anything about rich fancy schools?" he asks.
“Afraid not, other than that I attended one and I think I turned out mostly okay. At least, no worse for having gone to a private school.” Adam looks pensive for a moment.
Danny can all-to-easily imagine him as a precocious upstart in a wool blazer, looking prim and proper despite the Hawaii heat. Just a happy kid with no awareness of the man his father would become, no knowledge of the pain and sacrifice his future would bring.
Danny thinks about Charlie, and about what his future will bring. Adam looks expectantly at him.
“I need to pick a school for Charlie for next year, ok? It sounds silly and inconsequential but this is Charlie's education I have to consider and I can barely even think beyond the end of this week let alone making decisions for next year."
He’s been letting his worries about Charlie going to a different school to the rest of his friends get the best of him, and it’s paralysed him every time he goes to fill out the intake forms. He’s half convinced that he’s setting his son up for a miserable year of isolation. Danny’s therapist had suggested perhaps he’s projecting his own issues onto his child unnecessarily and that kids that age are more resilient and better able to make new friends than Danny is.
He had thought the last part was pretty rude of her to say to his face.
“Do you think you’re struggling to decide about the future because you're still waiting on someone to tell you their plans?”
Danny turns back to the waves so he can pretend not to be offended. Adam just doesn’t understand...he’s got the bull by the tail and Danny is not waiting for Steve like a jilted groom left at the altar. He’s not.
“While he’s responsible for a lot of it, not every problem in my life is because of Steve. He has nothing to do with my decision on where to send my kid to middle school.”
“Maybe so, but I get the feeling that there's a lot of things on hold in your brain waiting for Steve to tell you what he thinks or what he plans to do.”
In that moment, Danny hates Adam with the fire of a thousand Hawaiian suns. He hates him for being right.
Danny has always considered himself to be independent and self-reliant, but the last ten years have changed him. Letting Steve into his life and making him part of his decision making process has made Steve's absence seem all the more pronounced.
Danny needs his partner back. Though it pains him to admit—even to himself—that he’s not managing all that well on his own. Even though they never agree about much of anything, at least if he is arguing with Steve he can figure out where he stands in his own mind. Now everything seems nebulous and confusing. Danny is honestly struggling without somebody there to pull him back when his own thoughts start to spiral into the ridiculous.
Steve has been a constant in his life since the day he dragged Danny out into a rainstorm to join his crazy crusade. Rachel, Gabby, Melissa, they all came and went. And through it all, Steve was there—a constant presence in the background helping him in all the ways a partner should.
Now, Danny is alone.
Steve had wormed his way into Danny's life, and the two of them are now inextricably linked to the point that he’s still here on Oahu, living the life that Steve has left behind, unable to let go. His own path has just become a monument to the life Steve should have had—he’s living in Steve’s house, walking his dog, doing his job.
Danny worries that he's lost the ability to function without him, and feels like he’s losing himself in the process.
When Danny says as much to Adam, the alarmed expression on his friend’s face is almost too much to bear.
“You’re still you Danny. I know how much you can come to define yourself by who you are in relation to someone you love, but you don’t have to let go of what you want for your life.”
“I think deep down Steve knew I wasn’t going to cope without him. He wanted me to name the restaurant after him because even if we weren’t together, I would still have something of him with me. Like I would just disappear if he wasn’t there to keep me grounded, or something. I get that he was worried he was going to die at the time, but how is this any better?”
Danny unclenches his fists from around the edge of the picnic table when he realizes Adam has stopped eating and is staring at him, concerned. Adam himself is no stranger to this feeling, but Steve and Danny were never married. It's not like he’s a divorcé trying to make his way in the world after a terrible break up.
“I don’t think that it is better.” Adam pokes at his own shrimp omelet for a moment, weighing his response. “I understand about wanting a fresh start, but I always thought he would find his way back to you once he had a bit of perspective on what he’s walked out on.”
“Do you still think about Kono coming back?” The question slips out before Danny can stop himself, but Adam just smiles ruefully.
“She found her calling, and ultimately I found mine. I will always love her, and she has taken a piece of my heart with her. But it’s a gift I gave away, with no expectations. Time, and everyone in our family’s love has made it all bearable.”
“I thought I’d made my peace with it. Steve and Cath had a second chance and I wasn’t going to stand in the way of that. But when she didn’t stick around, I thought for sure he’d come home.”
“Is it possible he has met someone?”
“Maybe… I know Steve has a long track record of refusing to admit when he’s got a girlfriend, but surely he would have told me at least that there was someone he’s spending time with.”
“He could be afraid to tell you…”
“What? Why?”
“Come on Danny… I’ve known you guys a long time now.”
“Yeah, so?”
“At the risk of pissing you off even more—” he holds his hands up in the air and gives Danny the most insincere apologetic smile, “—but you were kind of transparent at the end there. You went so hard in the other direction trying to set Steve up with women for me to believe that it wasn’t something to do with you and him.”
Danny wasn’t expecting Adam to call him out in such a direct way, but he opened the can of worms all on his own, and can’t blame the guy for not being stupid.
“I just wanted him to have a chance at a normal life, okay? After everything he’s been through, he deserved that much.” Danny says it, and almost believes it.
“And why did it never work out huh?”
“I don’t know why. I did everything I could to help but he always managed to screw it up somehow.”
“Danny, did it occur to you that Steve couldn’t make time for a girlfriend because he already had someone in his life that he was completely devoted to? His relationship with you was always his priority, so there wasn’t room for anyone else. Hell Danny, your kids think of him as their third parent for god’s sake.”
“Then why the hell would he tell me there wasn’t anything tying him here?!” Danny yells, stung.
It’s the same question he’s been asking himself over and over, and every time he arrives at the conclusion that Steve just didn’t want to be with Danny. That either he wouldn’t admit that he wanted the same things and ran away instead, or that Danny had just imagined that Steve wanted the same things.
“I don’t know Danny. Maybe he took you pressuring him to get a girlfriend as some kind of rebuff or something.”
“A rebuff?” Danny’s voice goes up a register, drawing a concerned look from Flippa in the truck behind them.
“I really think you should talk to him about this…”
“I am done trying to make sense of the crazy things Steve thinks. He couldn’t even pretend to be in a relationship with me for five minutes while we were on a case, so I am not going to go traipsing through a mine-field of emotional repression by asking him about it.”
“I’m sorry, when was this?” Adam looks surprised and Danny realizes he’s made a terrible mistake.
“It was nothing… just a little old lady got confused. And Steve was all ‘Aw shucks no ma’am we’re not gay,’ Anyway.”
“I see.” Adam is outright laughing now.
“It wasn’t a thing. Don’t make it a thing.”
Adam just snorts when he says this and gives him a long considering look. Danny feels his face heat with the rush of embarrassment, not that he has reason to be embarrassed. They have always weathered the jokes of codependency, but now it's not so funny anymore.
“I know you might not believe it right now, but I guarantee Steve is out there feeling the same way you are. He probably misses you like hell, and wouldn’t have the first clue of what to do about it. Steve was scared that he needed to fix himself, Danny. Do you think that maybe he was worried that what he was struggling with would affect your relationship? That he’s stayed away because he didn’t feel like he could be around you without his issues hurting you both?”
“So what are you saying? I should be happy that he’s not here?”
“No, I’m just saying that maybe he’s scared and confused. You know that man has a self-sacrificial streak a mile wide. Even if his reasoning is flawed, I guarantee his heart is in the right place.”
“So what do I do?”
“Reach out. Keep the connection, and if you’re really worried, well… you’re pretty tight with law-enforcement. I’m sure you could find out what he’s up to if you really wanted to know.”
“I am not going to stalk Steve,” Danny hisses.
“I’m not suggesting that you should,” Adam says, gathering up the leftovers before the waiting seagulls can steal them. “I’m just saying that maybe we should check up properly on our friend who was in a bad place when he left. I don’t think it’s unjustified to be worried about him, Danny. Besides, since when have you two had any boundaries?”
“You make a fair point,” Danny agrees. He just wishes it was easier to know whether Steve wants Danny to keep trying, or whether he just wants to close the chapter of his life in Hawaii and move on.
It hurts the worst when he's driving. Usually it's that time where his brain is otherwise occupied with basic manual tasks. Steering the car so that it doesn't run off the road takes so little brain power that there is abundant brainspace to daydream. His go-to dream of late has been this unknown future state that Danny calls ‘when Steve gets back’.
When Steve gets back.
Danny has no idea when that will be but he's still hoping for it every day, and with every day that passes he is sure he’s moving closer to the time when Steve will come home.
The days between now and when Steve left are mounting, though. The time can almost be quantified in years not months, and Danny’s hard-won optimism is starting to flag.
It's in the down times—with his hands on the wheel and his mind somewhere else—that he can conjure Steve back into his life. Can imagine their reunion and how amazing it will be to finally have Steve back home.
Danny imagines getting the call. Or a text, he’s not fussy. He imagines waiting in the arrivals lounge at Honolulu Airport, a lei grasped in one hand as he loiters hopefully by the baggage claim.
He can see Steve, haloed by overhead fluorescent lights, looking just as good as ever. It’s Danny’s dream, so he imagines Steve looking strong and healthy and finally happy.
Happy enough that he can return to Danny and they can move forward together.
The airport, with its ugly carpet and uncomfortable plastic chairs is hardly the most beautiful place on the island, but if Steve is there then it's the only place Danny would want to be.
Steve wouldn't run towards him. Danny isn’t that sappy. But he would definitely stride purposefully forward, arms outstretched ready to wrap Danny up in a bear hug so tight Danny can hold on and never let go. He’ll smile bashfully when Danny lei’s him, and they’ll leave together, laughing as Danny tries to chivalrously carry Steve’s bag.
Being away from him, and watching him leave Danny behind has been brutally tough. It's been one of the hardest things that Danny has had to bear and that's including his divorce and every other awful thing that's happened up until now. But the fantasy makes the pain go away, even if it doesn’t last.
The dream carries Danny out to the car park, and Steve is storing his bags in the back of the Camaro and sliding into the driver’s seat like he never even left. Danny won’t even get after him about his control issues because he'll just be so darn happy. Danny won't even complain when Steve leaves a trail of rubber along the car park floor on his way out.
They’ll drive through the night on the highway, lights flickering overhead like star trails. Steve's jaw will be stubbled with a half day’s growth from being stuck on a plane for half a day, but to Danny he will look perfect.
A small smile, just a sideways quirk of lips when Danny tells him a funny story about something he's missed while he was gone. Danny would do anything to make Steve laugh, just to feel the weight of the warmth behind Steve’s grin.
They will drive back to the McGarrett house, pulling into the front yard by the white picket fence. The homecoming will feel all the more real having finally made it back home. It's been Danny's home for the last year, but there's been something missing. An absence that feels steeped into the walls, and now the hollowness will be finally gone.
Danny will follow Steve into the house, tossing the bags by the door with little care, before Steve will drag him close and tell Danny that he's missed him more than anything and that he’s finally staying. That he's found something in Hawaii worth fighting for. Worth staying for.
Danny doesn't let the daydream go any further. He knows he’s torturing himself. It's probably not healthy living in some imaginary future world all the time, but what his therapist doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
In his dream-world, everything is happy and perfect and nothing hurts. Steve is back with him where Danny thinks he belongs. Dream-Steve feels whole—he found what he was looking for and has come back to Danny fulfilled and ready to move forward, without that shadow that's been dogging him since he lost Joe and Doris.
He's not sure if he's being selfish or not. He just wants Steve to be well so that he'll come back and Danny can have his partner back. But the truth is, he would take any happiness for Steve, even if it means Steve will never come home. He just can’t stand not knowing. He hates leaving anything unresolved, and the lack of closure is what chafes the most.
His other favorite driving pastime is to mentally reenact some of their worst arguments, imagining what he would have said differently. Maybe if he just tried a little harder to help Steve instead of fighting him every step of the way, then maybe Steve would never have felt so alone. Maybe he would have stayed and they could have worked things out if Danny had been a better partner.
Danny looks back on all the conversations—every argument, every dispute, every comment about Steve's driving or Danny’s negativity. Danny wonders if he hasn't been the problem all along.
Maybe if he just fought a little harder that day on the beach. Maybe if he had shown Steve what he still had waiting for him here in Hawaii. If he had proven him wrong when Steve said there was nothing here for him. If Danny had just been honest, truly honest, then maybe Steve wouldn't have left.
But they don't do that. Neither of them have gone out on that limb, and Danny wonders if this is the price of cowardice.
Besides, Steve had already walled himself off, decision made, and nothing Danny was going to say would change it. No amount of telling Steve how much he loves him could change the fact that Steve was going to leave.
Everyone else had accepted Steve's decision to leave at face value. No one seemed bothered by the red flags that Danny was seeing. He didn't want to spook Steve by pointing out that after a traumatic experience, deciding to just leave and go somewhere else was possibly not the best way to deal with it.
And really, Danny should know. He is a master of running away from his problems, but he never wanted that for Steve. Steve is the kind of person that always tackles everything head-on. The idea that Steve would go on the run to escape the feelings he’d been forced to experience left Danny feeling concerned.
The rest of the team on the other hand seem keen to embrace this new world that Steve wanted to experience. They were so encouraging and so understanding. Danny wonders if ultimately that was the right choice, when Steve didn't come home again as promised, and the weeks dragged into months.
So Danny worries.
When his imagination takes a dark turn, all he can see is Steve lying somewhere, face bloodless and white with no one to watch his back—no one to tell him how important he is—and certainly no one to keep him out of trouble.
Danny wonders if Steve is still taking his meds. Whether he's feeling okay and that the effects of his many, many unfortunate life choices aren't making him too unwell. But most of all, Danny worries that he hasn't found what he's looking for. That instead, he has found nothing but sadness and despair and now he's alone out there in the world without a purpose and without his family.
A voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Danny’s therapist, tells him to quit being so melodramatic.
But still, it’s all there. All the worry and the fear and the shame, lurking in his subconscious, waiting for the right moment to grab him by the throat.
He can hear someone in the distance screaming. The water rushes over his head, leaving him retching and choking in the whitewash churn. The voice gets farther away. It’s hard to think, hard to do anything but struggle against the tide. Billy was with him moments ago. Danny fights to stay on the surface long enough to spot the familiar mop of hair or the awkward pinwheeling freestyle. Billy is nowhere. He’s gone.
Danny is sure he’s drowning. The weight of the thousand arms grab and pull and drag him under the water, no matter how hard he tries to fight them off. Below the surface, the water is dark and murky. It hurts his eyes. The cloying sea water distorts his senses and he can’t find his way back up.
What sounds like a jet boat skims along the edge of his hearing, barely discernible over the din of the waves. Danny’s father is yelling, calling out to him in a panicked voice he’s never heard before. It would be easier just to give up. To let the waves swallow him.
His lungs are burning now. The boat drives past above his head, and the dull thump of the propellers fades away. He’s alone in the dark.
Danny wakes up gasping.
Next Part
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